


Dream Of A Normal Death

by DGCatAniSiri



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-12
Updated: 2014-06-12
Packaged: 2018-02-04 10:46:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1776289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DGCatAniSiri/pseuds/DGCatAniSiri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As Shepard fires at the red tube on the Crucible, his thoughts turn to the life that could have been.</p>
<p>Originally posted on the kink meme.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dream Of A Normal Death

Gun in hand, he made his way to the tube lit with a red light. It was all he could do to not turn and open fire on the projection of the Catalyst behind him, but venting his frustration like that earned him nothing. Having realized that the projection had rendered its final word and would explain no more about the limited choices available, Shepard remembered words told to him by Captain Anderson, not long before everything at Eden Prime. 

“Sometimes, we come across choices too big for us to even be able to think. Sometimes, you just have to do.” Shepard had thought that the rachni or saving the Council or the Collector base had been those kinds of decisions, but this was... so much MORE. With those, he had at least felt like there was some chance to think it over, make the right choice. Now... it was just his prayers and his hopes that he was doing what was right.

Pushing aside his worry that he was doing the wrong thing, he just began a steady march towards the tube, committing himself to his decision.

~~~~~~~~~~

_The hustle and bustle of the Citadel was its usual self, the sounds of life. Shepard made his way through it, finding his way to the Apollo Café. It was a date that he needed to keep, that he was already kicking himself for being late for..._

_...But there was Kaidan, waiting for him. He was placing an order with the salarian waiter, and his eyes met Shepard’s across the café. Then his face lit up so bright... it reaffirmed for Shepard what he planned to do._

_He took his seat, a matching smile on his face. “Sorry I’m late.”_

_“Burden of command?”_

_“Fell asleep doing paperwork. Which I suppose might be the same thing.” They both laughed at that._

_“Well, I’ll try not to take your tardiness personally. I went ahead and ordered for us both. Hope you don’t mind.”_

_“Not at all.” Kaidan knew what he liked, though he wasn’t going to say something like that out loud. It’d only come out cheesy. They chatted about random stuff – the paperwork, the cleanup work, the politics, the usual routine about how despite humanity’s seat on the Council, the Council still told humanity to deal with its own problems, the latest scuttlebutt from the crew – first as they waited for the food to arrive and then as they ate._

_When Kaidan finished, he sighed. “You know, I think my mother would actually have approved of that. I mean, sure, it wasn’t up to her standards, but...”_

_“So that means that I should ask her to cater?”_

_Shepard said it with a seriousness that Kaidan instantly took note of. “Cater what, exactly?”_

_Matching his lover’s seriousness, Shepard reached for the small box in his pocket. “Our wedding.” He set it on the table, flipping it open._

_For a moment, Kaidan just stared at it. A simple golden band, their initials entwined where a diamond would be on traditional rings. He was quiet long enough that Shepard started to get scared. He’d faced it all. Thresher maws. Krogans in bloodrage. A Reaper, on foot. And none of that scared him as much as waiting for the actual response._

_Then Kaidan looked away from the box and to Shepard, and that light was there, glistening. “Shepard. You... You are asking what I think, right?”_

_“If you think I’m proposing you are.”_

_Kaidan broke into a grin, and pulled the ring out of the box, looking at their initials. Then he held it out for Shepard to place on his finger. Shepard did so, then pulled his lover – his fiancé – towards him, kissing him deeply._

_This is how it was meant to be._

~~~~~~~~~~

He could feel his body protesting his every move. It wanted to rest, to lie down.

And Shepard knew that if he’d laid down, he wasn’t going to be getting back up.

But he was afraid that the gun was going to slip out of his hand, that the blood covering it was going to just make it slip and fall to the ground. And he doubted that he could pick it back up without falling over. His bones felt more brittle than Joker exaggerated his to be, he doubted he could pull himself back up. 

_I’m going to do this,_ he thought to himself, determined. There had been too much sacrifice, too many lives lost in the fight... This had to put an end to the fighting, to the war... to the overwhelming death.

~~~~~~~~~~

_Getting to their honeymoon suite was like fighting a war all over again, only this time they had no weapons to fight back. And this time they were fighting the people who loved them and wanted to see them happy, on this, the happiest day of their lives._

_But finally, they managed to escape their friends and well-wishers, though it certainly wasn’t for lack of trying on their parts. “I thought we’d never get out of there,” Kaidan murmured once the doors slid closed._

_Shepard chuckled, looking to his husband. And he rolled the word around in his mind, liking it more and more every time he used it in reference to Kaidan. “I suggested eloping, you know.”_

_The look that Kaidan shot him told him what he thought of that. “Let’s see, Liara’s the Shadow Broker, Tali’s an Admiral with the quarians, Garrus has the ear of the Primarch, and I’m sure Miranda has her own dedicated information services. There is no way we could actually manage to elope without everyone we care about knowing about it and crashing it. And, given that there are how many paparazzi following everyone who made the headlines during the war, there’s no way that we could run off and get married quietly.”_

_“And the fact that we wanted to have a quiet, private ceremony with just our closest friends, not the biggest social event in recorded history?”_

_“It never would have happened. You’re Commander Shepard. The savior of the galaxy. The hero of Earth. The man who stopped the Reapers.”_

_And then Shepard moved close to Kaidan, placing his arms around his husband’s waist and moving in close. “And now, I’m also your husband.”_

_With a smile that Kaidan couldn’t have helped if he’d wanted to, he started closing the gap between them both. “Very true.” The kiss was slow and tender – they had more than enough time to get wild and crazy. This was just the start of the honeymoon. This was the start of their lives together._

_This was how it should be._

~~~~~~~~~~

He was surprised that the blasted holographic child hadn’t started pleading for Shepard to reconsider, to give its ‘golden’ solution another thought. Had it really thought that it could convince Shepard to take it by saying that it was the ‘eventual fate’ of all life? Not likely – Legion had been right when it – HE – had said that understanding came from developing your own path, that following others blinded you to new ideas. 

And there was just no such thing as the ‘final stage’ of evolution. That could only lead to stagnation. And stagnation... that was what the cycles represented. 

Of course, he still could go and try to take control of the Reapers, like the Illusive Man had wanted. Now there was a laugh. Listen to the Illusive Man. Even if the idea hadn’t been suggested and thrown around by a man so lost in indoctrination that he would have believed that two plus two equaled fish if the Reapers had told him so, Shepard had never trusted him any further than he could throw him, and up until a short while ago, he’d never seen the man in person.

Thinking about that made him remember Admiral Anderson. Taking any other possibility, anything with so many unknowns, would have dishonored the man who had been like a father to him in so many ways. Destroying the Reapers might damage the galaxy, but they’d recover and rebuild. They’d have the opportunity to. At least there’d be a future for the races of the galaxy.

~~~~~~~~~~

_“She is adopted, how is it that she takes so much after you?” Kaidan groused, head in his hands. Shepard just smiled at him, unable to keep himself from enjoying his husband’s torment._

_Out on the playground Ashley Shepard-Alenko (Shepard having won the coin toss on whose name came first in the hyphenating of their names; Kaidan still called foul on that) was the ‘krogan queen’ of the hill, demanding that the other children obey her or she’d feed them to her pet thresher maws, Kalros and Fluffy._

_Recognizing the bright side, Shepard looked to Kaidan and summoned a smile (which was easier for him than his embarrassed husband). “At least she’s not headbutting anyone.”_

_The look Kaidan shot him would have been able to punch a hole through a Reaper’s armor._

_The moment that they looked away from their daughter was the moment that they heard a loud THUNK of a smack, followed by a child crying._

_After a wince and a moan, likely already trying to figure out how he was going to explain this to the kid’s parents, Kaidan’s glare only fired harder. “You had to say it.”_

_Even Shepard knew when he’d made a mistake and tempted fate. “Maybe it’s time I call Garrus, ask him to come back and get her back on a turian kick again.”_

_“And have her decide to paint colony markings on every child in the class again?”_

_He knew that Kaidan would make him pay for this later, but he couldn’t help himself. “In comparison to her being the krogan queen?”_

_Oh yes, by the look on Kaidan’s face, he was definitely going to be paying for that one. But now it was time for Kaidan to play the bad cop. “Ashley Jane Shepard-Alenko!” he hollered, dethroning the krogan queen with only four words. Stepping over the stuffed animals that represented Kalros and Fluffy, Kaidan swiftly pulled Ashley up and began scolding her about headbutting._

_Fortunately, Shepard remained where he was and was able to snicker when she pointed out that headbutts were a sound tactical maneuver for getting mouthy civilians who didn’t know any better to listen to her without inflicting fatalities. He could practically see Kaidan’s hair going prematurely grey as he likely made another silent plea to the heavens for understanding. That or a curse for inflicting the chaos that the father-daughter duo of Shepard and Ashley upon him, even as he loved them both._

_But both knew that neither of them would have it any other way._

~~~~~~~~~~

He lined up the shot and hit the trigger, pleased that he’d been able to smuggle out an old pre-heat sink model pistol back before leaving Earth, the one that he’d subsequently hidden inside his armor in case of emergency, and that it hadn’t been reduced to slag in the blast from Harbinger. He didn’t want to worry about stopping and slapping in a new heat sink.

Knowing that it was the only choice that he could make didn’t make this choice any easier for Shepard. Synthetics everywhere were going to die because of this. The Reapers would be gone, their husks wiped away, and the galaxy saved. But the geth and EDI were going to die as well. 

What made him accept it, however, was the knowledge that both the geth and EDI had sworn to give their lives against the Reapers. The geth had fought to protect themselves, but had come to see that opposing the Reapers was the way. Shepard remembered Legion’s words on the Normandy when it – he - had joined the team. The geth sought their own path, not one that had been pre-made by the Reapers. Legion’s desperation to save his people had led him to transmit the Reaper code, just to prove to them that there was a way other than submission to the Reapers. They had joined the fight by their own choice, and they were willing to make the sacrifice that they needed to. 

And EDI had said that she would fight the Reapers to the death. Shepard felt for Joker, how he clearly loved EDI, and now Shepard was effectively condemning her to death. But this had to be done. Stopping the Reapers mattered. He hated breaking Joker’s heart after encouraging them both to taking the chance... but they had taken it. That right there was something. 

He fired off another few rounds and saw the glass at the tube begin to crack, and he knew that the rest of his life could be measured in seconds. What made that bearable was that the Reapers wouldn’t last must longer than that. And life could resume for everyone.

~~~~~~~~~~

_“Is it too late to talk her out of this?’_

_“I think so.”_

_“She’s too young for this.”_

_“Shepard, she’s older than you were when you started.”_

_“I just think that driving is a big responsibility, and-”_

_“And the great Commander Shepard is afraid to take his daughter driving?”_

_Shepard sighed, realizing that his driving was up there on the list of things that Commander Shepard was notorious for being horrible at. “I’m afraid of her learning from my example, and I’m amazed that you aren’t either.”_

_“At this point, I have given in to the inevitable. Biology be damned, that girl is your daughter.”_

_Shepard smiled as he took Kaidan’s face in his hands. “She’s our daughter, Kaidan. And trust me, I see plenty of you in her, too.” He kissed his husband, amazed at how every time he kissed Kaidan, it always felt both brand new and completely familiar._

_The quiet and intimate moment was shattered by a girlish shriek of excitement. Moments later, Ashley Shepard-Alenko, age sixteen, raced into her parents’ bedroom. “I got in! Early admittance to the Alliance Academy! You’re looking at the future fourth human Spectre!” she proclaimed._

_“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Ash, huh?” Kaidan chuckled, but he was grinning wide at his daughter’s exuberance._

_Of course, Shepard picked up on the more important part of that. “Wait a minute. I don’t recall ever approving you joining the Alliance.”_

_Rolling her eyes in the way that only sixteen year olds could manage perfectly, Ashley let out a sigh at the reality check. “Da-ad! My parents are the first two human Spectres, the saviors of the whole freaking galaxy! How could I not join the Alliance?”_

_“Because we’ve given the galaxy and the military so much already. Why not be like your aunt Miranda and advise the leaders of the galaxy?”_

_“And be ignored like you every time you went to the Council?” Ashley asked, crossing her arms._

_Shepard looked to Kaidan for support, but he backed out – the best course of action when protective papa and headstrong teenager came into conflict was to run the other direction and locate the nearest bunker to hide in._

_The protective papa part of the equation looked to him in irritation. “Coward....” Shepard muttered. “Ashley... Look, if you’re doing this in an attempt to ‘live up’ to our legacy or something-”_

_“This is what I want, Dad. I grew up in an Alliance household, do you think that I really would be happy with anything else?”_

_The determined look on her face and the honesty in her voice made it clear to Shepard that she wasn’t just having a whim but was serious about this. She wanted to be in the Alliance. But... “Given what happened, I’m pretty sure that the Council would listen to me from now on, you realize. And my name still has some weight there.”_

_“Dad...”_

_“Fine. Fine. I should know better than to try to talk you out of something like this. You’re as stubborn as any krogan.”_

_Now she smiled, proudly crossing her arms. “They don’t call me the krogan queen for nothing.”_

_When Shepard looked to Kaidan in exasperation, his husband just laughed. And the scowl on Shepard’s face just made him laugh harder. Kaidan had dealt with the headaches when she was little, now it was Shepard’s turn._

_“At least promise me you’ll keep yourself open to other possible careers. You don’t have to only be an Alliance officer or Council Spectre.”_

_That got Kaidan back on his side. “True enough. Look at Garrus. Or Liara. Or Miranda. Or Wrex. Or Jack. Or-”_

_“All right, all right. I get it. Sheesh!” Ashley seemed to call that the end of the discussion, or at least as much of it as she cared to deal with, as she turned and left the room._

_“Kaidan, do you think grounding her could stop her from growing up?”_

_“Nope.”_

_“Could we at least try it?” Kaidan chuckled and pulled Shepard close, gently kissing him._

_Headaches and all, Shepard had to admit that the future was in good hands._

~~~~~~~~~~

The glass was cracking, turning into a web of cracks. It wouldn’t be long now. The Reapers would be gone, he’d be dead, but the galaxy would live. They’d rebuild. And they’d show the Catalyst that organic and synthetic life could live together. The geth had never meant harm to anyone, at least not the true geth. Odds were the next synthetic race would be the same.

Idly, Shepard wondered if maybe the cycles had all started because someone had put the organic/synthetic life argument to the Catalyst as an either or situation – live in eternal peace or engage in open war. Could the cycles all boil down to a computer program taking things to their extremes just because the numbers said this was the most likely solution? It seemed petty, and definitely not as ‘beyond his comprehension’ as Sovereign and the Rannoch Reaper had claimed, but that just might be it.

As he lined up one more shot, probably his last one, he let his thoughts turn to where they’d wanted to go since he’d watched the Normandy fly away, the place he’d made himself stay away from or he’d never have been able to do what needed to be done. Kaidan. It had taken so long for them to come together, to admit how they felt. Now, despite how hard they’d fought, despite the effort they’d spent to get to this point... It was all for nothing. Shepard was going to die, far from the arms of the man he loved.

No. It couldn’t be for nothing. Kaidan had brought a light into his life at its darkest hour. If Kaidan hadn’t been there for him during this, during the actual war with the Reapers, Shepard would probably have given up long before this. And Kaidan... Kaidan had been what he was fighting for. Kaidan would be able to live again after this. Perhaps someday even love again. And he’d be able to do that without the shadow of the Reapers hanging over him.

Like Ashley had said on Virmire. No regrets.

~~~~~~~~~~

_Shepard would never have expected it. He would have expected both of them to have died long before now, going out fighting. He had never pictured them making it to this._

_“Fifty years,” he sighed as he reclined in his chair, a light smile on his lips. War injuries had caught up to them both, and Shepard had politely declined Miranda’s offer to run checkups on his implants, insisting that he be left with just the time he would have had without being blown out into space by the Collector attack._

_“Hard to imagine, isn’t it.” Kaidan sat beside him, nestled in the crook of his arm, They’d gone grey years ago, but it just made them distinguished. After fifty years of marriage, fifty years of peace (or at least a lack of Reapers), they deserved to be able to rest like this. Not that their friends shared the thought._

_A fiftieth wedding of their closest friends drew the whole gang out of the corners they’d travelled off to over the years, despite the difficulties age was imposing on them. Garrus was far from the sniper he once was, having had to trade in his trademark visor for a pair of glasses about five years back. Joker had lost most of the ability to use his legs and been confined to a hoverchair about ten years back. Tali, though freed from the environmental suit, had been forced to start wearing a breath mask and carry around the quarian equivalent of an oxygen tank. About the only one of them who hadn’t seemed to have aged was Liara. The miracle of thousand year lifespans._

_Shepard was aware that soon enough there’d start being empty chairs at these reunions. But, at least for today, he had no intention of focusing on that. His closest friends were here, to celebrate the love between him and Kaidan._

_What could be wrong about that?_

~~~~~~~~~~

Shepard fired. The class cracked. 

_I’m going to fight like hell for the chance to hold you again._

Red energy crackled and sparked in electrical currents.

_Two warm bodies, rolling in abandon, paperwork forgotten, drinks left untouched._

The sparks turned to flames, smoke billowing out.

_A quiet lunch, a promise of something more to come when they had a moment of privacy._ A silent vigil at Kaidan’s bedside, praying to any deity that would listen that he would make it through this.

As the flames snapped across his flesh, he felt a strange sense of peace wash over him.

~~~~~~~~~~

_A quiet beach, untouched by the hands of progress. The waves glide gently across the shore, back and forth. The last few rays of sunlight shined upon them. Shepard and Kaidan lay, wrapped in each other’s’ arms._

_“After everything we’ve been through... I think I just want to stay here forever,” Kaidan said softly, sounding like he was about to drift off to sleep._

_Feeling ready to give in to sleep himself, a smile poked onto Shepard’s face. “Go ahead, Kaidan.”_

_“I love you, Shepard.”_

_“I love you, Kaidan.”_

_And so there they would stay._


End file.
